Sometimes there is so much love in me, for the people and the earth around me, that it hurts.

Sometimes there is so much sadness in me, for the people and the earth around me, that it hurts.

Usually I hurt.

So good and so bad.

Sometimes I forget that I hurt, and that is not a good sign.

I will not let the hurt keep me from changing this world, I will use the hurt as my motivator, and it is a strong one.

When I forget that hurt, I can no longer affect change, and then that hurt is replaced by shame and guilt.

Shame and guilt are worse than the hurt.

I do not know what makes me different from all those who do not feel the same way.

I believe that they have just numbed themselves.

The media has numbed them.

Their parents have numbed them.

The vastness of our world and the size of our population have numbed them.

Numbed them to both the love and the sadness.

Sometimes I think that I cannot love, and then I remember that I just love too much.

Too much for one person.

I lie sometimes, I may be lying now, but this is how I feel.
I do not deny it, but sometimes I let others ignore it. This makes life easier for me.

The easy way is the copout, but the other path is sometimes too difficult for me.
I think it is usually too difficult for most of the people in this world.

Ease is meaningless.

Worth is not easy.

I am not easy.

Freedom is not easy.

I am a Freed Woman.

I love it, and it hurts.

  ¶ 9:02 PM 1 comments

  SO i flew to california.

i'm in my friends apartment.

and although it isn't turning out how i expected, it's actually better, for the long run.

africa unite

by the way, oakland is cute- at least this area of it is.
goddamnit, i need a digital camera.

did you ever think that simple, straightforward, human interaction is the hardest thing of all?  ¶ 9:43 PM 0 comments

  i got back to prescott yesterday, and homecoming was anticlimatic,

but today made up for it
perfect mixture of:
productivity in the morning
watching motorcycle diaries in the afternoon with my class
drag show/party in the evening

lots of socializing... in english.
gotta say it, i'm enjoying the english.  ¶ 2:06 AM 1 comments

  back from mexico i'm BACK on the BLOCK
rockin' it second street style; a joint, a beer, and an afternoon that was supposed to be productive turning into blog-reading and zoning-out time.

and i was thinking about moving away from this... how could i ever abandon 2nd street?

mexico meant being almost constantly surrounded by people.
people who speak a different language.
people who constantly feed you heavy food.

constant exhaustion.

more intensity: teaching english to middle schoolers at a shittypublic high school.

spending a lot of time playing with children at a temporary shelter, where kids are brought when removed from fucked up homes.
whenever i hung out with them i had to force myself not to think about where they came from.

it was warm, 15 hrs south of here (surprise surprise). we visited the beach four time; amazing.
i need to live near the ocean for a while this summer. i also want to learn more spanish. i'm thinking guatemala.

the roots are playing right now on my computer. i'm going to san francisco on tuesday and they're gonna be playing there when i'm there. i'm going to try to get in.

so i'm stoned and zoned out and a lot of really intense things have been happening to me and running through my mind constantly but i don't feel like i can get it on the page.  ¶ 4:12 PM 0 comments

  been so busy/
meaning to post updates/
tomorrow we have a free day/
back in the US by wednesday/
will start writing more then/  ¶ 8:20 PM 0 comments

  something i forgot to mention- two weeks ago i officially became an adult, according to the US government.
does this make a difference, or doesn't it?  ¶ 4:08 PM 0 comments

  reading stacey's latest post on blogging in general made me want to pick this up again, and i wonder if i will keep it up but either way i think it will be good for me (even though my reader count=0)

this morning as i walked home from pretty skinny blonde daniel's house there was hail flying at my face (in arizona) even though a week ago (in philadelphia) it was 76 degrees and humid

arizona without the sun feels like the underside of a rock in the forest, all grey and moist and unfamiliar and scary- suddenly the huge expanse of the sky is no longer a comforting warm presence, it's angry and powerful and epic

last night lying next to pretty skinny blonde daniel in bed, trying to work up some passion and get aroused just for courtesy's sake, i remembered why, after i get back from mexico in three weeks, i'm flying to oakland to follow a man who's 27, not 19, who is tall and broad-shouldered with more than skin on his bones.

and i leave tomorrow for navajoa, sonora, mexico, a town devoid of touristic sensibilities, and thrust myself into the life of a mexican family and fumble my way around a foreign town, using spanglish to navigate the public buses and avoiding english speakers at all costs.

i am frightened, and not really frightened at all- sensibly scared but i want/need this so much i refuse to worry.  ¶ 3:59 PM 1 comments

  I'm so close to the end of the semester and the end of work.
Feeling not a little cracked out; was up doing work on speed all night, then at my journalism class gala awards breakfast, my professor brought us oj and champagne so we all had mimosas for a morning pick-me-up.
All thats left is... put together two portfolios, write one cover letter, fill out three self evaluations (which can be done at home).
looking forward to visiting my old campus, even though last night was hit with a phone call filled with all the drama that pushed me to leave the school...
anyway, break... yeah... rest... mmmm....  ¶ 9:48 AM 0 comments