I love how my mood just kind of skips around when it wants to, where it wants to.
Happy again today.  ¶ 6:59 PM 1 comments

  sometimes i really wonder about myself... so i purposefully half-isolate myself this weekend because i'm tired of being social, right?
and then i get jealous when people hang out with my roommate more than me?
shula, what the fuck?  ¶ 6:22 PM 0 comments

  I feel so good about myself, I'm actually getting shit done.  ¶ 5:40 PM 0 comments

  when reality itself becomes a noun completely separate and different from the sum of all its parts and starts warping around you and the only effect is euphoria
then you know you're really fucked up  ¶ 10:49 PM 0 comments

  So this whole not-doing-drugs thing isn't really working.
Well, it is working somewhat. But not as well as I had planned.
Oh well.
I did get really high on yesterday (Sunday) and decided I want to keep NOT smoking. It's gotten really boring for me.
So I think I might audit Painting Studio. That way, I don't have to pay for it (it would put me over 18 credits) (I'd pay the supplies fee, but I'd have to do that anyway) and the deadlines will be a lot more flexible. I really want the studio time and the motivation to work on painting.
yay art.  ¶ 11:28 AM 1 comments

  i just gotta say word to stacey's most recent post.
fuck yeah.
that's how i try to live my life every day and i don't know if i'm succeeding but i still feel good
and even though in that post he talks about drugs as part of the passionate lifestyle and right now i'm taking a break from drugs it doesn't matter because it's all in the attitude. i'm not taking a break from the drugs because i'm afraid they're controlling me i'm taking a break from the drugs to assert my control on the drugs and to make sure my life gets on track so i'll have the money in the future to do all the drugs i want to.
i don't need to use drugs to feel happy and i don't need therapy and support and psychiatric medications to stop using the drugs.
i pride myself on being able to handle myself in any mental or emotional situation.
i will never be one of those tripping kids who needs to be babysat and talked down and comforted because there is nothing inside me that i can't control and deal with on my own no matter what state my head is in.
No matter what state my head is in i can always deal with reality when it needs to be dealt with.
(although that one time was an exception when i was on three and a half hits of acid and had to book it the fuck out of the daniel arts center when i walked in after running around in the freezing cold wind having adventures and missions and floating away in a little wooden yurt and immediately two campus authority figures appeared on either side of me and gave me that scared i know you're fucked up on something that i would never dream of touching and i scorn you because of it look)  ¶ 6:41 AM 0 comments

  thank you, lilly. you are the most beautiful person.
thank you, carolyn. we totally get eachother.
yes! i have renewed faith in myself, in the world, in the rock. (and in the goatonapole)  ¶ 7:34 PM 0 comments

  i

f
e
e
l

s
o

n
u
m
b
.
.
.

and the undercurrent is gaining strength  ¶ 3:33 PM 0 comments

  So here's the question:
since i'm not doing drugs anyway should i just sell my soul to the theater once more?
it's the best way to make money on this campus.
but then again i want to keep up with my work and if i start working for the theater at one point i'm going to have to go through a period of three hours a night for sleep, not to mention the questionable possibility of having time during the day to go to class AND work in the theater AND get all my work in the studio done during the hours the studio is open.
this also might mean not eating for a while.

shit shit shit
i fucking need the money.
shit shit shit

i think i will. oh no. i shouldn't do this to myself.  ¶ 9:47 AM 0 comments

  i wish my brain/life had a reset button.
not that at this moment i'm not happier than i've been in oh so long...
and i'm appreciating so much the friends i do have and i have no worries about the friends i don't have...
and i'm feeling mature and productive and like my life is going to work...
but i wish i had a reset button so i could relearn and re-experience everything right now
so i could choose my patterns and pick my ruts
so i could shape my personality from scratch
the ultimate sculpture project:
hands-on real-life art
fuck YEAH.  ¶ 8:22 PM 0 comments

  shit is going good so far.
congratulate me.  ¶ 5:17 PM 0 comments

  back at school So, I'm back. My first class is in less than half an hour.
It's fucking cold up here. I'm wearing long underwear.
I left my wool socks at home (gasp!).
The cold is a good excuse to chill out, literally and otherwise-
too cold to party much so fucking focus bitch.


le sigh... back to work...  ¶ 6:35 AM 0 comments

  do big-name bloggers cease to be cool once they start blogging about being a big-name blogger?

why yes, i do believe they do.  ¶ 4:29 PM 0 comments

  REMEMBER: so while acid is good for showing you the real human-ness of other people- the faults, the motivations, the petty wants and needs- when you take umm three hits and ummm large amounts of xtc and umm several beers, it befuddles the brain and you may not be able to avoid the traps and pitfalls in a crafty bipolar person. remember to always step back and think clearly!
do not go blindly down an unmarked lane.
never go blindly down an unmarked lane on lots of mind altering substances.

correction: ALWAYS go blindly down an unmarked lane on lots of mind altering substances, just make sure its YOUR lane and not someone else's.

thankfully, due to a)being if i do say so myself pretty damn experienced with acid and b)possessing a rudimentary knowledge of psychology, i did not fall prey to the enticingly shady dark alleyway

NOTE: walking through the city in the rain in the morning after being up all night on lots of mind altering substances is a good way to clear the head and get some... perspective...?!?! reality... ?!?! umm yeah whatever... YOU aren't as complicated as you wish you were...


ALL in ALL, though.... a good drug- taking experience!  ¶ 3:36 PM 0 comments

  my skin itches and crawls
chafing at the new restraints
self-imposed to improve my
moral character
my brain thinks rebellious thoughts about you
my arms go to reach for you
but the extension is halted
by these imaginary ropes
i haven't been broken yet
believe me, i'm trying
but i haven't given in
just yet

it's a constant struggle to not throw them off
keeping them on is even more strenuous
i'm not sure if i even want to be doing this,
molding my instincts like clay
or rather,
shaping them like a miniature tree
i scream for you but glass walls block the sound
i whine like a child
for instant gratification
i question this torture like another mother questions
one who leaves her baby to cry
but i have to admit, i am seventeen
not a child any more
i deserve what i'm giving myself  ¶ 7:24 PM 1 comments

  i'm TENSE and IRRITABLE and i don't want to be in this house any more
i wish i didn't have to stay here
i have to get this fucking paper done
i hate shit like this!
why can't everything just be art projects?

(i know i'm lying to myself, when i'm in a good mood i like writing... well i like writing for myself. i resent this piece of writing so fucking much. it's turning to a steaming pile of dog crap that i have to pick up with only a thin plastic bag between it and the skin on my hand... ew)  ¶ 7:07 PM 0 comments

  I'm strugging with the idea that maybe I'm not really a good person.
I mean, of course I think I'm a good person but maybe not to other people.
I can be really selfish sometimes.  ¶ 1:39 PM 1 comments

  I think this is the most I've posted in like... forever? Donno. Who cares. Whatever.
Hahahah. My friend is going cold turkey on cigs and today is his third day I'm so proud of him... but thursday night we're candyflippin and I wonder if he'll be able to resist the urge then...
I'm working hard on this whole ZEN thing watch it work!  ¶ 3:04 PM 0 comments

  haha fuck do i feel schizo now but i decided that there is nothing to be in a bad mood about. everyone has their own way through life and it's gonna connect to mine in whatever way its supposed it. it's probably not something i have any control over. so might as well enjoy it right? then again i might have complete control over it just by thinking about it, but i never know, right? and any control i hope to exert over the path of my life would have to come from my true unadulterated desires so the energy released upon the world is pure and directed, and since i have no clue what those desires are then i really can't complain.
and if what was making me feel bitchy was something that brings someone else new and interesting happinesses than really i'd be just a fucking bitch to go on feeling bad about that.
i like being not a bitch. i like being happy.
life works.  ¶ 9:40 AM 0 comments

  A STUDY IN FUTILITY: LIFE So I'm trying really hard not to write a whiny little letter to myself about how the world sucks even though I try so hard to be good to it.
Instead I'm gonna write something about how good it seems to be going for all of you (even though I know it isn't) and maybe that means that you think it's going great for me.
Isn't that kind of ironic? You really start to edge towards Buddhism at that point, yes, all life is suffering... but then you get those good moods, then you get those sunny days, then you get those e moods, then you get those acid days.
It doesn't really balance out, though, not the way I figure it. So many transient happinesses teasing us like butterflys hovering three inches beyond the reach of our fingertips.
I'm in quite a prosaic mood today. Yes, I'm sick and my throat hurts like hell, especially when I swallow, and the sun is bright outside and I forgot to bring sunglasses. Plus things are going wrong for me, once again, in more ways than one.
Then again it is 50 degrees out in fucking January and in two days I should be altering my brain chemistry enough to not care about all the little pitfalls sinking into existence around my feet.
Sorry for sounding so negative and shit, but you gotta give me a break, I hardly ever succumb to my innate cynicisim...
hahahahahahahaha  ¶ 7:52 AM 0 comments

  can't stop never will, 'til my heart does but now i gotta just keep doing with this wild ride up and down hormones taking me for a run fucking low as the dead sea this morning mourning my lack of true human love but now i'm high as the sky riding the back of the mountain the diso biscuits streaming live and beautiful through my ears fucking brilliant music enlightening my day now i know they'll be playing right in front of me next time i'm home on break everything seems like it's gonna all work out again life is right back up there higher than it should be just the way i like it these swings let me know i'm still alive my legs are still pumping so i go flying through the air hanging of the pole on a chain perched on this piece of rubber swinging swinging heart pumping blood and oxygen and chemicals throughout this whole wonderful body that's serving me so well (at the moment of course) god i fucking love being young so much time ahead of me means my options are practically infinite and that means there will be so many more ups and downs that it seems like i'll never stop living because as soon as my heart dies in those few minutes of brain activity before i turn into mush i'll spend eternity in the dreamworld relieving this spectacular spectacle called existence  ¶ 8:32 PM 0 comments

  I am so tired of wasting time walking down dead ends. I am so tired of wasting time walking down dead ends. I am so tired of wasting time walking down dead ends. I am so tired of wasting time walking down dead ends.  ¶ 9:16 AM 1 comments

  arr matey, i'm a pirate! *ya jus' gotta love it when you live in a twin in your next door neighbors get wireless!*

So...
What happens when the closest thing you've had to a best friend in years decides that she's annoyed at you and therefore apparently, with no given rhyme or reason, the friendship is... dare I say it... over? When your personality is programmed as a social butterfly, condemned to flutter on the surface of the various hordes surrounding you and it's taken you years to admit to yourself that you really do need a constant someone in your life? When you were almost happy with aforementioned best friend because she was so good (even though, you had to admit you'd been hearing the whispery echoes of the approaching waterfall, you still thought you had several more miles of a steady deep river) ? When you know she doesn't really care because she's floating well above the water with her own two best bests (the older sister and the ex boyfriend, dynamic duo) ?
So what do you do?


*side note referring to the "anonymous" achem comment on my last post: i just turned seventeen. i am very, very young for the kind of life i lead. i have a deepseated hatred of agism. why would i support it at either end of the spectrum?*


And yes, here it is... my favorite advantage of youth. I can already tell that my body is well on its way to realigning itself and rebalancing the chemicals swirling around in there... *stretches luxuriously*  ¶ 7:55 AM 0 comments

  whooOOOOooOAAaaa d-d-d-d-d-damn
so for most of my druglife i was just a chill little trippy girl stickin' w/ acid and shrooms.. took an e pill a couple times, some molly...
then i met this guy mike...
was up for three days on e...
swallowed four and a half and snorted 3? 4? 5? (don't remember)

my body HURTS!!
i keep getting dizzy spells and weird little brainseizure like things where the lights go all flashy and the words in front of me swim and flash.
hahaha
serves me right.
gotta slow down, right?
silly girl....  ¶ 9:05 PM 1 comments

  thick walls kickin speakers expansive music collection soft bed black lights beer in the fridge lotta e good people....
... gonna be a good night...

take it as it rolls and all will be GREAT  ¶ 8:24 PM 0 comments

  hahahahaha
look at you always full of expectations
lying and hoping
(oh well it does pass the time)
you're fine though don't worry
you accepted the truth
and look, no pain-
i guess you knew all along it was all just
lies and hopes
of no consequence
(good job)  ¶ 12:32 PM 0 comments

  andrew, why oh why won't you pick up your phone??
oh well, i guess the day will have to be complete without your help.


achille deveria, why do you elude me? i need your help if i am to pass that course!




whimsicality is not conducive to productivity. oh no, oh, oh, oh, no.  ¶ 8:33 AM 0 comments

  Random My cat is asleep on my lap.
My cat sleeps in my bed, next to my legs. I have to kick him out if I want to be comfortable enough to fall asleep.
I still can't decide if I love or hate the world.
I also still can't decide if I want to grow up or remain a teenager.
Indecisive is the word for 2006.  ¶ 2:53 PM 1 comments

  pure jazz carries you on vibrant waters to serenity
trip= creative proven!
life holds so much energy
tap in  ¶ 2:52 PM 1 comments

  new years resolutions: serenity
unity
health
joy
focus

all it takes is an afternoon with an e head to awaken me to the pleasures of chillout electronic music...  ¶ 11:05 AM 0 comments

  every detail turned inside out
rain refracting on the street
rolling beat
genius of fear
create, understand
reality isn't standing alone
i know every second  ¶ 4:09 PM 1 comments