what do you do when you (a girl) are 5'10'' and you're kind of falling for a guy who is 5'6''?
of course technically we shouldn't let gender assign appropriate size ratios, and all that gender equality crap
but seriously, it's so much more satisfying to get close to a guy bigger than you who can wrap you up in his body than to be with a guy who is generally smaller than you and makes you feel like the comforter.
oh well, i'll at least get a good friend out of the equation  ¶ 9:12 PM 2 comments

  i really hate it when i meet people who seem awesome at first then turn out to be one of those charismatic manipulative assholes who's never upfront with you
it boggles my mind that people can be so unreal.
i really hope i don't come off that way to anybody.  ¶ 9:08 PM 0 comments

  so far i can't think of a way to be a real person and get by on my own and hold my shit together and, as emma says, go balls deep at the same time.
this is one of the major contradictions of the many that are my personality. i want to both have a real job and a S.O. and an apartment/house and go fucking crazy and live life like it is (in that it could end any day) and never stop searching/expanding/blowing up.
but i don't know yet if a balls-deep existence includes real self examination and true knowledge or if its just an illusion and a denial.
one of the books i trash picked, "drugs and the other self", an anthology about drugs and mysticism, actually turned out to be anti-drug, which i didn't get from the title. anti-drug in the fact that leary's "biochemical mysticism" is not true mysticism at all, just a distortion of human experience. however they did include (and, i think, agree with) an essay (i think it was the one by huxley) where he concludes that although his experience w/ mescaline was not a true mystical experience, it did present to him more clearly the lack of and the potential for that true experience.
in order to open my mind to true mystical experiences, i want to take lots of acid and mescaline and go into the arizona desert and let my existence dissipate.
i can't wait til i fly out to arizona for school.  ¶ 4:56 PM 0 comments

  so that guy turned out to be a crackhead which i decided wasn't worth the effort.
meanwhile, i'm transferring to prescott college and moving out to arizona in the fall.
what? arizona?
yes, arizona.
the cool part up in the mountains.
i love this drastic last minute change to my life and i think this school will be a lot better for me than simon's rock-
i'm only concerned the part where i have to rip up all my roots at simon's rock and lose most of my friends there- there's no way i can keep up with the social scene at two different schools
not that i think i'll have a problem inserting myself into prescott's social tableau, only that i've had so many losses of close friends in my past and i'm already so bad at getting making close friends (the second is probably a symptom of the first) that i think this could just add to my difficulties.
so this has been the summer for self-psychoanalysis.
as well as psychoanalysis in general- i started seeing a psychiatrist (for therapy, not drugs)- who is actually my dad's psychiatrist/mentor. i really like this guy. he's really intelligent- very good at presenting new ways to look at things/myself and helping me figure my own shit out instead of telling me what my problems are and what i need to do to fix them. except sometimes he does talk to much.

last night was great- i haven't been that drunk in a while. we went to locust bar on 10th and locust and got drunk, then got takeout (three sixpacks of PBR pounders) and went back to my friends' apartment to continue drinking. ended up passing out at 6 am and getting to work (i work with the people whose apartment it was) half an hour late at 1130.
but then it was recycling day and i got a stack of really great books at the recycling corner of 23rd and spruce- every third saturday is paper and plastics, and lots of free books!  ¶ 8:21 PM 0 comments