it's cold and rainy, out here in the desert
Friday, March 31, 2006
Went shopping today.
Mmmmmmm.
I love shopping. I can't wait till I'm working full time this summer and I can shop every weekend.
Oh, yeah, that's right, I got a summer job. It's meaningful, too. I get to canvass for Clean Water Action, a nonprofit environmental protection fund/agency/thingy.
Yes, I know. It's as bad as carrying around a baggy full of granola for snacks.
But it pays very well (even if I don't raise any money, I get 77 bucks (or thereabouts- it was some odd number like that) a night, 385 a week if I work five days- and then more whenever I make more than quota. Quota is 145- and on my observation day, when they let me go solo, I made 121 in two and a half hours.) and the people should be fun.
Ahhh, conflicted, conflicted. Being a teenager is tough! ¶ 5:05 PM 0 comments
Mmmmmmm.
I love shopping. I can't wait till I'm working full time this summer and I can shop every weekend.
Oh, yeah, that's right, I got a summer job. It's meaningful, too. I get to canvass for Clean Water Action, a nonprofit environmental protection fund/agency/thingy.
Yes, I know. It's as bad as carrying around a baggy full of granola for snacks.
But it pays very well (even if I don't raise any money, I get 77 bucks (or thereabouts- it was some odd number like that) a night, 385 a week if I work five days- and then more whenever I make more than quota. Quota is 145- and on my observation day, when they let me go solo, I made 121 in two and a half hours.) and the people should be fun.
Ahhh, conflicted, conflicted. Being a teenager is tough! ¶ 5:05 PM 0 comments
Friday, March 24, 2006
I've been up for forty three and a half hours.
This is the longest I've ever gone.
I just was lying down listening to music for a breather for like 10 minutes and when I stood up, everything swirled and vibrated and my head felt all swimmy.
It was pretty cool, actually, but not conducive towards writing a paper.
I spaced out my doses of adderall today so I was able to eat dinner when we made it around 11:00. We made alfredo pasta with broccoli and shrimp. Oh, my, god, it was so good. I didn't actually do most of the cooking; I was feeling pretty cracked out.
Then I took another 30 mg XR cap and then we came back to campus, and we walked out to a fire in the woods. Today was the first day we've all been comfortable outside, except for a few freak occurances. Spring is coming. I was able to walk out into the woods in sneakers and jeans, tee, zipup, and jacket: instead of winter boots, two pairs of pants, three layers of shirts, and a jacket. Sitting around the fire for an hour and a half or so I was comfortable without my jacket on. It was sweet.
The fire chilled me out and calmed my head, like I expected it to, but it was kind of disgusting in a way. Everyone besides me and Carolyn was drunk as fuck. Tahlia, Montana, and Cait, the other three girls there, were all horny and constantly flirting and making innuendos and doing things like grabbing each other's breasts. Cait was particularly disgusting; she managed to hit on every male in the fire circle, like she was doing rounds. I know that it's really easy for me to get like that when I'm drunk, I just don't like watching it sober. I'm also not as bad with flirting on this campus because I don't feel sexy enough to flirt in this school. Part of it is my mentality has changed, part of it is because all my closest friends are fucking hot, and part of it is because since the straight fuckable males are such a drastic minority, they can afford to have really high standards... so I'm basically just afraid of rejection. Everyone was just being stupid. Taylor kept disappearing twenty feet to our left to smoke bowls to his face and chug on his handle of Bacardi which he kept insisting he wasn't going to share (even though he hadn't even paid for it yet, it technically belonged to Luke who was pro-sharing)- people spent a while trying to wrestle it away from him. Dave was just being quiet and annoying by poking at the fire with skinny sticks and throwing random shit into it- I hate when people do that. That's Dave for you though. The best parts of the fire were when Tim and Will were playing catch-the-coal and basically playing hackysack with a live coal from the fire- it got caught in the pocket of Tim's hoodie for a while and left a big hole- it was really funny, and when Tim, Will, and Taylor got a bucket-circle going for a bit and us girls danced (there's seating around half the fire pit made out of boards and buckets, which they took to drum on). Most of the time I sat and meditated into the fire and warmed my hands. Tim was nice to me, which was a pleasant surprise, because he hasn't been- but he did flirt with both Tahlia and Montana a little bit (though that's just how he is)- however, he did repel Cait's obvious drunken attempt to end up in bed with him after the fire.
Yeah so I felt like I wanted to detail my experience at the fire, probably because it's something with lots of details to focus on and I'm speeding. It was also a fire that stood out from my experiences at every other fire we've had. Well I guess they're all disctinctly different but this was just on my mind. ¶ 12:32 AM 0 comments
This is the longest I've ever gone.
I just was lying down listening to music for a breather for like 10 minutes and when I stood up, everything swirled and vibrated and my head felt all swimmy.
It was pretty cool, actually, but not conducive towards writing a paper.
I spaced out my doses of adderall today so I was able to eat dinner when we made it around 11:00. We made alfredo pasta with broccoli and shrimp. Oh, my, god, it was so good. I didn't actually do most of the cooking; I was feeling pretty cracked out.
Then I took another 30 mg XR cap and then we came back to campus, and we walked out to a fire in the woods. Today was the first day we've all been comfortable outside, except for a few freak occurances. Spring is coming. I was able to walk out into the woods in sneakers and jeans, tee, zipup, and jacket: instead of winter boots, two pairs of pants, three layers of shirts, and a jacket. Sitting around the fire for an hour and a half or so I was comfortable without my jacket on. It was sweet.
The fire chilled me out and calmed my head, like I expected it to, but it was kind of disgusting in a way. Everyone besides me and Carolyn was drunk as fuck. Tahlia, Montana, and Cait, the other three girls there, were all horny and constantly flirting and making innuendos and doing things like grabbing each other's breasts. Cait was particularly disgusting; she managed to hit on every male in the fire circle, like she was doing rounds. I know that it's really easy for me to get like that when I'm drunk, I just don't like watching it sober. I'm also not as bad with flirting on this campus because I don't feel sexy enough to flirt in this school. Part of it is my mentality has changed, part of it is because all my closest friends are fucking hot, and part of it is because since the straight fuckable males are such a drastic minority, they can afford to have really high standards... so I'm basically just afraid of rejection. Everyone was just being stupid. Taylor kept disappearing twenty feet to our left to smoke bowls to his face and chug on his handle of Bacardi which he kept insisting he wasn't going to share (even though he hadn't even paid for it yet, it technically belonged to Luke who was pro-sharing)- people spent a while trying to wrestle it away from him. Dave was just being quiet and annoying by poking at the fire with skinny sticks and throwing random shit into it- I hate when people do that. That's Dave for you though. The best parts of the fire were when Tim and Will were playing catch-the-coal and basically playing hackysack with a live coal from the fire- it got caught in the pocket of Tim's hoodie for a while and left a big hole- it was really funny, and when Tim, Will, and Taylor got a bucket-circle going for a bit and us girls danced (there's seating around half the fire pit made out of boards and buckets, which they took to drum on). Most of the time I sat and meditated into the fire and warmed my hands. Tim was nice to me, which was a pleasant surprise, because he hasn't been- but he did flirt with both Tahlia and Montana a little bit (though that's just how he is)- however, he did repel Cait's obvious drunken attempt to end up in bed with him after the fire.
Yeah so I felt like I wanted to detail my experience at the fire, probably because it's something with lots of details to focus on and I'm speeding. It was also a fire that stood out from my experiences at every other fire we've had. Well I guess they're all disctinctly different but this was just on my mind. ¶ 12:32 AM 0 comments
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Spring is so close I can touch it.
I need it.
One more day before break. One more huge ass paper. Wish me luck. Yay for amphetamines. ¶ 2:02 PM 0 comments
I need it.
One more day before break. One more huge ass paper. Wish me luck. Yay for amphetamines. ¶ 2:02 PM 0 comments
There is a sketchy dent in the wall of the girls bathroom in the dining hall building. It is next to the toilet, but higher than headheight when sitting on the toilet. There was a sketchy hair stuck in the dent by the chip of paint hanging off the wall.
¶ 12:16 AM 0 comments
Sunday, March 19, 2006
GOD.
first time getting any in SO LONG.
YES.
god loves guys who love to eat pussy. ¶ 3:53 PM 0 comments
first time getting any in SO LONG.
YES.
god loves guys who love to eat pussy. ¶ 3:53 PM 0 comments
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Relaxing tonight.
There's a game of Manhunt on campus tonight, but,
I slept on a wooden floor last night.
I'm so not up for running around the woods in the subfreezing weather.
Sorry.
Oh, and that guy is still in my head.
Don't know how he does it.
But fortunately, he's outta asshole mode- every so often he turns into a huge deuche for a couple days.
Ahh my brain hurts.
I wish I had someone to cuddle with tonight. *tear*
Awwww. ¶ 7:06 PM 0 comments
There's a game of Manhunt on campus tonight, but,
I slept on a wooden floor last night.
I'm so not up for running around the woods in the subfreezing weather.
Sorry.
Oh, and that guy is still in my head.
Don't know how he does it.
But fortunately, he's outta asshole mode- every so often he turns into a huge deuche for a couple days.
Ahh my brain hurts.
I wish I had someone to cuddle with tonight. *tear*
Awwww. ¶ 7:06 PM 0 comments
REALLY good st pattys day party
whew
my body aches
it was such a good party
though i didn't even get there till one
the whole experience was good... except for getting pulled over on the way there, sleeping on a cold wood floor, and cleaning up someone else's vomit... but the good by far outweighed the bad.
some highlights:
group irish jig
my first kegstand (8 sec)
carolyn doing a 21 sec kegstand
taylor sleeping with the keg
ducktaping jack in bed
bacon and eggs (thanks will and ian) in the morning
morning blunt
thursday night i saw stereolab at the pearl st night club in northampton... GREAT show. so much fun. we actually ran into someone else from our school there- small world. danced like crazy in a standing-room-only crowd. fuck yeah! wearing audrey's clothes who is 5'1'' and like 90 pounds. free stereolab pins from the merch guy because audrey's dress lost a button. watching this grey-haired old couple dance like the crazy wasted fools they were. running around in massachusets in march in a short dress and birkenstocks. yeah! ¶ 4:15 PM 1 comments
whew
my body aches
it was such a good party
though i didn't even get there till one
the whole experience was good... except for getting pulled over on the way there, sleeping on a cold wood floor, and cleaning up someone else's vomit... but the good by far outweighed the bad.
some highlights:
group irish jig
my first kegstand (8 sec)
carolyn doing a 21 sec kegstand
taylor sleeping with the keg
ducktaping jack in bed
bacon and eggs (thanks will and ian) in the morning
morning blunt
thursday night i saw stereolab at the pearl st night club in northampton... GREAT show. so much fun. we actually ran into someone else from our school there- small world. danced like crazy in a standing-room-only crowd. fuck yeah! wearing audrey's clothes who is 5'1'' and like 90 pounds. free stereolab pins from the merch guy because audrey's dress lost a button. watching this grey-haired old couple dance like the crazy wasted fools they were. running around in massachusets in march in a short dress and birkenstocks. yeah! ¶ 4:15 PM 1 comments
Monday, March 06, 2006
I was so good a couple hours ago, I sat down and started working, read my shit, wrote an outline... now I've degraded into writing a blog entry.
Not that I don't love writing blog entries, it's just I'm supposed to be doing my work.
I was able to work with so much focus earlier because I had just watched What the Bleep Do We Know, and I was feeling all in control of myself and my life... never mind that I took speed which is what you're NOT supposed to do if you're working on manifesting your own reality...
but now I've gotten past the easy shit and I can't sit down to even outline the hard part of my essay.
Oh well.
I had (for the first time) a rap war (on AIM) with my friend Andy. Fuckin' hilarious, two pasty white kids rap-warring over instant messages.
I think part of my problem recently has been that I haven't been watching What the Bleep Do We Know often enough. Watching that movie is really necessary for my well-being. Especially since I'm currently obsessed with this guy- I have to remember that all it is is a hormonal addiction that I can break. Quit the habit! I just have to start interupting my obsessive thought patterns and my brain will learn to not constantly want him. Dude, I can do this.
I give myself till five am. Then I NEED to start working again. ¶ 1:34 AM 0 comments
Not that I don't love writing blog entries, it's just I'm supposed to be doing my work.
I was able to work with so much focus earlier because I had just watched What the Bleep Do We Know, and I was feeling all in control of myself and my life... never mind that I took speed which is what you're NOT supposed to do if you're working on manifesting your own reality...
but now I've gotten past the easy shit and I can't sit down to even outline the hard part of my essay.
Oh well.
I had (for the first time) a rap war (on AIM) with my friend Andy. Fuckin' hilarious, two pasty white kids rap-warring over instant messages.
I think part of my problem recently has been that I haven't been watching What the Bleep Do We Know often enough. Watching that movie is really necessary for my well-being. Especially since I'm currently obsessed with this guy- I have to remember that all it is is a hormonal addiction that I can break. Quit the habit! I just have to start interupting my obsessive thought patterns and my brain will learn to not constantly want him. Dude, I can do this.
I give myself till five am. Then I NEED to start working again. ¶ 1:34 AM 0 comments
Thursday, March 02, 2006
I wonder what happened to Lesya. I really miss that bitch.
We were ridiculously close.
I think I was closer to her than I've been to anyone else in my life...
maybe ever will be.
maybe i've been ruined for being close to people overall.
I just found her on myspace (myspace?!?! the lesya i knew wouldn't have a myspace- at least she didn't have anything written on her profile- that's more like her) and sent her a message.
i wonder if she'll respond.
i hope she'll respond.
i hope she calls me.
i miss being able to feel close to someone.
every best friend i've ever had has left- either moved away or we've just split
at the moment my oldest friends i have i met in the beginning of 10th grade. That's not even three years ago.
Why can't I remain close to anyone? Why can't I connect?
It's all my parents' fault. My mom pissed off my first best friend's mom and I wasn't allowed to see her again, and that started off the whole cycle.
Damn my parents.
I hope I keep the friends I've made in college. They are really special. I have moments where I wonder about that... but I think that's just my insecurities talking.
I'm slowly learning to be who I am. ¶ 9:46 PM 0 comments
We were ridiculously close.
I think I was closer to her than I've been to anyone else in my life...
maybe ever will be.
maybe i've been ruined for being close to people overall.
I just found her on myspace (myspace?!?! the lesya i knew wouldn't have a myspace- at least she didn't have anything written on her profile- that's more like her) and sent her a message.
i wonder if she'll respond.
i hope she'll respond.
i hope she calls me.
i miss being able to feel close to someone.
every best friend i've ever had has left- either moved away or we've just split
at the moment my oldest friends i have i met in the beginning of 10th grade. That's not even three years ago.
Why can't I remain close to anyone? Why can't I connect?
It's all my parents' fault. My mom pissed off my first best friend's mom and I wasn't allowed to see her again, and that started off the whole cycle.
Damn my parents.
I hope I keep the friends I've made in college. They are really special. I have moments where I wonder about that... but I think that's just my insecurities talking.
I'm slowly learning to be who I am. ¶ 9:46 PM 0 comments
feeling great. HUGE change from yesterday/last night/this morning. yay i love uppers.
a lotta work, but i did so much last night i'm having trouble starting this next bit. i have an hour and a half. wish me luck! ¶ 9:23 AM 0 comments
a lotta work, but i did so much last night i'm having trouble starting this next bit. i have an hour and a half. wish me luck! ¶ 9:23 AM 0 comments
sometimes when its raining i wonder what the raindrops feel like on other people's bodies
i wish i could feel them hitting other surfaces besides my own skin
i wish i could know another shape like i know my own
sometimes when it's not raining i feel like other people's eyes are raindrops and i wonder what they feel when they hit my skin
and when its cold like it was cold this morning at 630 and i can feel my whole body-
every nerve and muscle and tendon-
spasmodically contracting
i get this great feeling of containment
and i forget to wonder about what the raindrops are feeling, because all i can feel is my body
pulling so hard on that cigarette so i can just go back inside,
that's when all i am is MY body and MY need,
and it's pure ¶ 4:45 AM 0 comments
i wish i could feel them hitting other surfaces besides my own skin
i wish i could know another shape like i know my own
sometimes when it's not raining i feel like other people's eyes are raindrops and i wonder what they feel when they hit my skin
and when its cold like it was cold this morning at 630 and i can feel my whole body-
every nerve and muscle and tendon-
spasmodically contracting
i get this great feeling of containment
and i forget to wonder about what the raindrops are feeling, because all i can feel is my body
pulling so hard on that cigarette so i can just go back inside,
that's when all i am is MY body and MY need,
and it's pure ¶ 4:45 AM 0 comments
