so far i can't think of a way to be a real person and get by on my own and hold my shit together and, as emma says, go balls deep at the same time.
this is one of the major contradictions of the many that are my personality. i want to both have a real job and a S.O. and an apartment/house and go fucking crazy and live life like it is (in that it could end any day) and never stop searching/expanding/blowing up.
but i don't know yet if a balls-deep existence includes real self examination and true knowledge or if its just an illusion and a denial.
one of the books i trash picked, "drugs and the other self", an anthology about drugs and mysticism, actually turned out to be anti-drug, which i didn't get from the title. anti-drug in the fact that leary's "biochemical mysticism" is not true mysticism at all, just a distortion of human experience. however they did include (and, i think, agree with) an essay (i think it was the one by huxley) where he concludes that although his experience w/ mescaline was not a true mystical experience, it did present to him more clearly the lack of and the potential for that true experience.
in order to open my mind to true mystical experiences, i want to take lots of acid and mescaline and go into the arizona desert and let my existence dissipate.
i can't wait til i fly out to arizona for school.  ¶ 4:56 PM